lionessoftorment

by day 3 I was used to waking up at dawn for pricks by needles and "shh, sweetie, go back to sleep." leaving gauze question marks on forarms. by day 4 I walked the parimeter of the ward 17 times trying to breathe and pretend I was somewhere else by day 5 we talked about leaving and diagnoses and "if she starts again..." by day 6 I had forgotten what I looked like when I got there "the new pills are doing wonders for my self-esteem" by day 7 I lied my way out just to do it again next week.

Today I've grown. My legs are longer, My bones are heavy.  My scars stretch and burn. My soul is deeper. My eyes are opened.  My scars stretch and burn. My brain is softer. My neck is tighter.  My scars stretch and burn.                           and burn.                             and burn.

 11. 12. 11. 9:51.  9:40.  Raegan. 9:52.  9:41.  Raegan. 9:55.  9:44. "Time to get up."  9:56.  9:45.  I stood up in the cold, grey drowning pool.  The carpet felt like nails beneath my feet and I wanted nothing more than to go back to sleep.  My body was too small and frail to be standing like this.  Still. Calm.  Silent. My mind was racing through my life as one big blur of blood and guilt.  11...12...I picked up my clothes off the table and walked into the bathroom.  The linolium was col

I want to go home But I don’t know where you are right now. All that’s left is the vision of your ghosts On the prowl for my innocence. Darling, your appearance Is being washed away by the dirt and the rain The face and the name is Going away again. The dirt and rain fall down and Your heart slowly fades into The darkness of how empty we became On this road, paved With your blame.

Turn up the stereo Pull my hair back Open the door and stare. Wash my hands Sit down beside the clothes and prepare. My hands in my mouth Cover the sound Opening my eyes despair. Empty myself. Stand up and stagger Wash my hands once more Brush my teeth and shut the door. Enter my room dirty and cluttered fall on my bed internal butterflies flutter. Trapped once more in an empty stomach Screaming inside with panic Eat a fist full of food again God, this is mechanic. I'll wipe the slate clean In the Summer, I can sleep off the hunger pains. In the Fall, I can skip meals. In the Winter, I can exercise. And in t